Almost two years

Before you hit me, I would have done anything to get that ring on my finger;

to keep that ring.

To make your mother like me

To make your step-father agree with me

To find you a job

To look like I belonged in your church.


Before you hit me, I would have done anything to keep it together.

To forgive you for lying

To forgive you for cheating on me

To forgive you for stealing from me.


Because you hit me I couldn’t cry immediately.

I made you leave right away.

I waited until you were gone,

until I saw your headlights fade.

I took a picture so I’d remember it forever.


Because you hit me…

I closed my heart

Pretended it didn’t hurt

I doubted myself and I struggled.


Because you hit me,

I started my life

I proved to myself that I could do it on my own

I found a way to make myself what I should be

I re-opened my heart

I found the funny in it all

I sleep well at night.



I have surpassed my 30 day goal for Paleo. I just have had a lot going on with the semester ending and I keep forgetting to update. I am now on day 36. I didn’t start taking measurements until recently but my starting weight was 240. I now weigh 222.2 and am measuring as 47 in- 40 in- 47 in.What’s up, hourglass! I am losing the most amount of my weight from my waist, which is fine with me, as I would like to keep curvy even as I lose weight.


36 days and 18 lbs is more than I could have asked for from ANY diet.


And to be truthful, I didn’t work hard. I did a few days of running- read few as in less than 5 before life started getting hectic. I need to start that again once the summer starts and semester is over. 


I took a before picture, which I’ll share once there are results that are obvious to everyone and not just me 🙂 Hoorah!

My Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Month


This book just about sums up my month.

Other than the 25 day battle to get the exposed black mold removed from my ceiling (when the guy finally came, they only COVERED IT so it’s *still* not resolved to my liking), other things have been going on that just pile on top of each other and make it all feel like *too much*.

On Monday my Grandfather accused me of being a thief. I went over to my Grandparent’s house in between my internship and school. My Grandpa had a cancer appointment at 1 and it was just before 12 when i got there. I was heating up my lunch when I first heard him talking to my Grandma about me being there. I finished eating and sat down with a cup of tea. He came out of his bedroom, the first time I’ve seen him walk in ages. He sat down at the dining room table, hunched over and started talking to me. He told me he did not want me in the house when they were gone. I lived there for 22 years. I asked why. He said:

“There is a thief in this family and I don’t want anybody here.”

I’m the only one in the family still in Florida, other than my Grandparents, so I asked him what he was accusing me of. He said he wasn’t going to tell me until “more things go missing.” Then he told me to “get the hell out, get the fuck out, you bitch” and started threatening me that he would call 911. My Grandma is there the whole time trying to diffuse the situation, telling me to stay and him to calm down. This was the wordiest interaction we’ve had in a while. He hates me STRONGLY enough to get out of bed to accuse me of being a thief and to call me names.

I didn’t just leave though. I felt like saying exactly what I felt. And this time, I couldn’t hold it. I told him he’s a miserable old man and THAT is why he got cancer. He’s poison. I told him I was trying to have a good relationship with him so I wouldn’t always regret it and I cry all the time thinking about all the time lost, but it isn’t worth it for someone who treats me like shit.

And then I left.

Know what was missing? My Grandma told me: Nothing. He thought he couldn’t find a book of stamps he thought he had but that he had moved or used a long time ago.


Today, I use the toilet and flush. The bowl fills up completely. Over the next 2-3 minutes, it slowly drains but doesn’t take down the toilet paper. So I plunger it and nothing really comes out. The toilet starts making gurgling noises. I tried flushing some water quickly down into the bowl, as I heard this helps, but that didn’t do anything. I plungered and plungered.

And then I heard gurgling coming from my bathtub. And guess what was in my bathtub. All of the water that was leaving my toilet. But it looked dirtier. Like maybe it’s been backed up for a while and now feces are in my tub. So I submitted my maintenance request and waited two hours. The worst part is that in two hours I have to leave to get to class to present a lesson plan worth 100 points of my final grade. I e-mailed the instructor and he said we’ll play it by ear- to show up late if I can come at all. Otherwise, we’ll reschedule. I’m glad he’s being flexible, but I’m feeling so much anxiety about this.

I called my landlady to make sure she got my maintenance request and she had a huge attitude that she couldn’t give me a time frame and that I’ll “just have to wait until he shows up.”

I need to move. I need to win some money so I can move.



The only thing going well for me has been my new, Paleo diet. Week 1 I saw 9 lbs of weight loss. And that is huge to me. With all these things going on that I can’t control, Couch25K and Paleo have given me some control. The running/jogging is hard and I hate every second of it when I’m doing it. But afterward, when I check my Polar chest heart rate monitor, I feel accomplished.

Caveman, don’t fail me now

After attempting The Biggest Loser game on Xbox, and seeing my Ghostbuster-esque Michelin ghost looking blob try to do the moves (thanks, Kinect!), I got this idea that I’m repulsive and quickly sent a text off to D.

D with his no bull-shit, no excuses way of looking out for me answered my text of “Am I repulsive?” with this concise answer:

You need to focus on healthier eating habits first, otherwise, the weight you lose will come back quickly. You are very pretty, but being unhealthy is very ugly to me if that makes sense.


Some girls might be offended but I love him for it.

It’s time to get my mind healthy and my body healthier. It’s time to heal myself, especially since right now it’s so convenient to be unhealthy and blame it on my busy days and my grief.

I’m doing a modified paleo diet plan for at least 30 days. I’ll probably want to stick with it longer, but for now that’s my goal. To start, I’m giving up dairy entirely and grains entirely. I went to Walmart with my other store’s ads and did price matches on fruit and meat. I already have vegetables in my freezer ready to go. I know, I know. Walmart. It’s where I can afford to shop right now so it’s where I went. Once I win the lottery, (ha) I will buy organic I’m sure.

I’m going to attempt to do Couch 2 5K on my phone. Right now I have an upper respiratory infection. Last week, I did day 1 and had to stop twice. I’m going to attempt it again in about a minute.

Here we go…

A distraction and a reflection

I’ve been outside of myself, consuming and inside, consuming my fears and regurgitating them into something constructive. Living life based on what is due and trying not to dwell. D says it’s not good to dwell and think about the things I can’t control. 

D, my decade-long friendship. Falling asleep in his arms after not seeing each other for almost three years. Waking in the morning with his arms wrapped around me. The 6-hour round trip drive to be safe in the knowledge that I can tell him anything. He’s been there for everything. He knew me before I became who I am. The comfortable silence, the way we walk beside each other; share a Pepsi. The purple turtle he won me. The secrets we hold from our teenage years and the joking way I tell him that someday, we will have children named Tapioca, Chocolate and Rum Raisin.

Back at home, the mold is growing both figuratively and literally. 

I had my first observation giving a lesson. How to find the area of triangles. It was like a teacher climbed inside my body and nothing else mattered.

I’m making a My Grandpa is Dying and There’s Nothing I Can Do About It Playlist. There is no song that completes all of my thoughts. I think of myself mostly. I think of my children that I hope I have. I think of my Grandma being alone. That’s when I really cry. I think of D and I sometimes and how sad I’d be if I lost my oldest friendship.


The playlist as it stands:

1. Birdy- Skinny Love
“Come on skinny love, just last the year. Pour a little salt, we were never here.”

2. The Gambler– Fun.

“But it’s not time, you never quit in all your life”

3. Sum 41- The Hell Song

“Everybody’s got their problems, 
Everybody says the same thing to you. 
It’s just a matter of how you solve them, 
And knowing how to change the things you’ve been through. 

I feel I’ve come to realize, 
How fast life can be compromised. 
Step back to see what’s going on, 
I can’t believe this happened to you.”

4. One More Time with Feeling– Regina Spektor

“And they’re sitting all around you
Holding copies of your chart
And the misery in their eyes
Is synchronized and reflected into yours

Hold on
One more time with feeling
Try it again
Breathing’s just a rhythm
Say it in your mind
Until you know that the words are right
This is, why we, fight”

5. Firewood– Regina Spektor

“Rise from your cold hospital bed
I’ll tell you, you’re not dying
Everyone knows you’re going to live
So you might as well start trying

The piano is not firewood yet
But the cold does get cold
So it soon might be that”

And, that’s it so far.

SuperBowl $19.99 Buy it Now



I hate the SuperBowl. Not one person that I attempted to have a conversation with today had even the decency to reply because they were wrapped up in stupid mind-numbing sports. I ended my day taking 450 mg of St. John’s wort and promptly passing out. That stuff always makes me fall asleep. And then I wake up in a state slightly better than when I fell asleep. So, I guess that works.

Currently attempting to watch Dr. Who for the millionth time. I’ll say it. I’m not sure what the hooplah is as I find it doesn’t hold my attention.


My mom was here last week. I ended up kicking her out after 38 hours because she wouldn’t leave me alone. She then posted on her Facebook that I am volatile. Blocked her.

I had three people today tell me to kill myself.


No wonder I need St. John’s wort. I hate bipolar disorder almost as much as I hate my grandfather’s cancer. And more ‘family’ is coming this week. Family I don’t get along with and haven’t been around in years.