I’ve been outside of myself, consuming and inside, consuming my fears and regurgitating them into something constructive. Living life based on what is due and trying not to dwell. D says it’s not good to dwell and think about the things I can’t control.
D, my decade-long friendship. Falling asleep in his arms after not seeing each other for almost three years. Waking in the morning with his arms wrapped around me. The 6-hour round trip drive to be safe in the knowledge that I can tell him anything. He’s been there for everything. He knew me before I became who I am. The comfortable silence, the way we walk beside each other; share a Pepsi. The purple turtle he won me. The secrets we hold from our teenage years and the joking way I tell him that someday, we will have children named Tapioca, Chocolate and Rum Raisin.
Back at home, the mold is growing both figuratively and literally.
I had my first observation giving a lesson. How to find the area of triangles. It was like a teacher climbed inside my body and nothing else mattered.
I’m making a My Grandpa is Dying and There’s Nothing I Can Do About It Playlist. There is no song that completes all of my thoughts. I think of myself mostly. I think of my children that I hope I have. I think of my Grandma being alone. That’s when I really cry. I think of D and I sometimes and how sad I’d be if I lost my oldest friendship.
The playlist as it stands:
1. Birdy- Skinny Love
“Come on skinny love, just last the year. Pour a little salt, we were never here.”
2. The Gambler– Fun.
“But it’s not time, you never quit in all your life”
3. Sum 41- The Hell Song
“Everybody’s got their problems,
Everybody says the same thing to you.
It’s just a matter of how you solve them,
And knowing how to change the things you’ve been through.
I feel I’ve come to realize,
How fast life can be compromised.
Step back to see what’s going on,
I can’t believe this happened to you.”
4. One More Time with Feeling– Regina Spektor
“And they’re sitting all around you
Holding copies of your chart
And the misery in their eyes
Is synchronized and reflected into yours
One more time with feeling
Try it again
Breathing’s just a rhythm
Say it in your mind
Until you know that the words are right
This is, why we, fight”
5. Firewood– Regina Spektor
“Rise from your cold hospital bed
I’ll tell you, you’re not dying
Everyone knows you’re going to live
So you might as well start trying
The piano is not firewood yet
But the cold does get cold
So it soon might be that”
And, that’s it so far.