The majority of things in life have no immediate urgency.
This book just about sums up my month.
Other than the 25 day battle to get the exposed black mold removed from my ceiling (when the guy finally came, they only COVERED IT so it’s *still* not resolved to my liking), other things have been going on that just pile on top of each other and make it all feel like *too much*.
On Monday my Grandfather accused me of being a thief. I went over to my Grandparent’s house in between my internship and school. My Grandpa had a cancer appointment at 1 and it was just before 12 when i got there. I was heating up my lunch when I first heard him talking to my Grandma about me being there. I finished eating and sat down with a cup of tea. He came out of his bedroom, the first time I’ve seen him walk in ages. He sat down at the dining room table, hunched over and started talking to me. He told me he did not want me in the house when they were gone. I lived there for 22 years. I asked why. He said:
“There is a thief in this family and I don’t want anybody here.”
I’m the only one in the family still in Florida, other than my Grandparents, so I asked him what he was accusing me of. He said he wasn’t going to tell me until “more things go missing.” Then he told me to “get the hell out, get the fuck out, you bitch” and started threatening me that he would call 911. My Grandma is there the whole time trying to diffuse the situation, telling me to stay and him to calm down. This was the wordiest interaction we’ve had in a while. He hates me STRONGLY enough to get out of bed to accuse me of being a thief and to call me names.
I didn’t just leave though. I felt like saying exactly what I felt. And this time, I couldn’t hold it. I told him he’s a miserable old man and THAT is why he got cancer. He’s poison. I told him I was trying to have a good relationship with him so I wouldn’t always regret it and I cry all the time thinking about all the time lost, but it isn’t worth it for someone who treats me like shit.
And then I left.
Know what was missing? My Grandma told me: Nothing. He thought he couldn’t find a book of stamps he thought he had but that he had moved or used a long time ago.
Today, I use the toilet and flush. The bowl fills up completely. Over the next 2-3 minutes, it slowly drains but doesn’t take down the toilet paper. So I plunger it and nothing really comes out. The toilet starts making gurgling noises. I tried flushing some water quickly down into the bowl, as I heard this helps, but that didn’t do anything. I plungered and plungered.
And then I heard gurgling coming from my bathtub. And guess what was in my bathtub. All of the water that was leaving my toilet. But it looked dirtier. Like maybe it’s been backed up for a while and now feces are in my tub. So I submitted my maintenance request and waited two hours. The worst part is that in two hours I have to leave to get to class to present a lesson plan worth 100 points of my final grade. I e-mailed the instructor and he said we’ll play it by ear- to show up late if I can come at all. Otherwise, we’ll reschedule. I’m glad he’s being flexible, but I’m feeling so much anxiety about this.
I called my landlady to make sure she got my maintenance request and she had a huge attitude that she couldn’t give me a time frame and that I’ll “just have to wait until he shows up.”
I need to move. I need to win some money so I can move.
The only thing going well for me has been my new, Paleo diet. Week 1 I saw 9 lbs of weight loss. And that is huge to me. With all these things going on that I can’t control, Couch25K and Paleo have given me some control. The running/jogging is hard and I hate every second of it when I’m doing it. But afterward, when I check my Polar chest heart rate monitor, I feel accomplished.
I guess this ribbon thing is a thing. It signifies that I’m about to be devastated at some point this year. I think I cried every tear out yesterday and now I’m just sitting in bed with my cat beside me. My grandmother came and brought me leftover ham from yesterday and I chucked it in the fridge. I don’t much feel like eating. I asked her what stage Grandpa is considered and she couldn’t give me an answer. She has no idea. I want to know so I can confirm what I already know. That I’m not being melodramatic. I started taking St. John’s Wort again today for my mood. Hopefully that kicks in and I can get something done. I feel like my house looks like I feel inside lately. Everything scattered about with no exact organizational scheme. I couldn’t ask for a better description of my personality and mood.